Blaze Orange Madness

[FOsteology]

If Marlin Perkins were looking on from the safety of his helicopter he would observe the horrifying ritual of the vicious beastly hunter man. He would take note of the beastly man like figure swaggering through the forest ever so lazily. All 5 foot & eleven and half inches of poor postured & seemingly semi coherent beast man covered from head to toe in the traditional bright orange. He makes his way ever so slowly, several foot dragging paces at a time, stopping to hold himself up at nearly every tree in his path. His eyes are red, peculiar odors emit from his body, his breath has the smell of a dogs ass, his ass has the smell of partridge guts. Surely he must be a vicious warrior not to be crossed by the likes of modern domestic up-righticus man. He unzips his orange parka & steam rolls out, he doubles over & heaves a steamy pile of hunter chunder. It appears as though he has been eating from a dumpster or a bear baiting station.

He continues on now a bit more swiftly as the sun is coming up & he has yet to reach his hunting station. He arrives at what appears to be a child’s “fort” constructed of random length lumber, rusty bent nails and some green shag carpeting from a 1974 liberty brand trailer home. He climbs like a sloth up into the cobbled structure that sways with the trees in the wind. He sits on an old metal folding chair, it appears as though he has forgotten his “heat seat” just outside the outhouse door back at his hunting shack. He sits with steam rolling out of his unzipped orange parka. The silence sets in, the man carefully scans the area with his eyes, his head does not move. His breathing calms now, it is dead silent and he is now very cold due to leaving his parka open for too long.

He reaches for his parka zipper, the noise of his parka shell moving seems to emit sounds equal to that of raking dry leaves with a large plastic fan rake. The zipper noise rings in at just over 100 decibels, it seems to take several minutes to sneak the parka zipper all the way up. With that being done the hunter breathes a deep breath in relief of the zipper noise being behind him. The deep breath causes a loud uncontrollable cough, this goes over with the forest creatures as well as a turd in a punch bowl. Quickly the hunter must cover up his cough, smooth it over, but how? Ah yes, the buck grunt tube! He will follow the cough with a buck grunt, this will fool the deer into thinking it was a deer cough & not a hunter cough. He raises the grunt tube to his lips and prepares to deliver the very best, very deepest buck grunt tone. Little does he know, late last night his young boy was running laps round the outside of the house practicing with his grunt tube, the tube was left dripping wet with little boy spit & the reed inside the tube is now frozen. The beastly hunter man bends & squeezes the end of the tube as he blows confidently into the mouth piece. To his horror the tube blasts out a loud high pitched honking noise rather than a buck grunt. He knows exactly what has happened, he slowly lowers the call & allows it to hang around his neck from the string. His heart is heavy with shame, surely he will not see a deer this morning.

Oh well, with his cover now completely blown he might as well stand up & relieve his bladder over the side of his hunting structure. He stands up & shuffles over to the side of his stand His long parka extends well below his waist so he must use the bottom zipper of his parka drawing it upwards to gain access to his orange insulated coverall zipper. This zipper must go down which will allow access to the blue jean zipper which must also go down. This allows access to the insulated long underwear. The fly on the front of the insulated long underwear is far too complicated to try to fish the male urine expulsion tube through, especially because it holds behind it a pair of regular cotton briefs. The elastic waist band on the long underwear must be hooked with the thumb & pulled downwards. This of course exposes the final obstruction which is the plain white cotton briefs.

At this time the beastly hunter man’s bladder release valve has been long anticipating the command to release the pressure. A sense of urgency develops as the man struggles to get a thumb hooked over the second elastic waist band. His toes are flexing hard against the bottoms of his boots & he begins a little dance as he finally hooks the second waist band. Now he must fish the urine expulsion tube over the two elastic waist bands & do his best to clear the 5 layers of clothing as the relief valve finally gives way. Ahhh success! Toes in the boots are relaxing now... This is gooood.

He is holding his parka up with his chin, pressing the bottom corners against his chest as he expels last nights beer. Suddenly one of the corners comes loose from under his chin & the parka swings down like a tent flap blowing in the wind. It’s heading right for the urine stream! He must act quickly! One hand is aiming the expulsion tube & the other hand is holding down pressure on the two elastic waist bands with the thumb. The waist band hand is quickly chosen to intercept the parka just before it swings all the way down.

That was close, but now the double elastic waist bands are applying upward pressure on the urine tube which looks as though it has been caught in a victor pan trap. This is a tricky maneuver, the bladder is not yet empty but the stream has been stopped by the upward pinching pressure of the two elastic waist bands. The bands must be drawn downward to reestablish proper drainage flow, but the end of the expulsion tube no longer clears the outer layer of clothing due to the fridge cold. Not to mention the amount of urine in the bladder now lacks the pressure it will take to produce adequate velocity to end the draining process cleanly without shoe dribbling & such. Everything must be timed perfectly to execute this maneuver.

First the experienced hunter man pinches off the end of the drain tube with one hand, all in seamless sequence now he pushes abdominal pressure on his almost empty bladder, pulls downward on the elastic bands, pulls outward on the drain tube & releases his pinching grip on the end of the tube.

The man seems unsurprised at the fact that he has just pissed on his left knee & boot.

Just then he looks up to spot a 10 point buck that has been watching the entire episode from 30 yards away. The man freezes, as if he can somehow reverse the fact that the deer is fully aware of his presence. He slowly reaches for his trusty boom stick as the deer begins to walk, he has a firm grip on the rifle barrel leaning behind him. He lifts upward quite swiftly as the deer is walking faster now. The rifle sling hooks the metal folding chair & tips it over as he raises the rifle, the deer is bounding at full speed now & disappears into thick cover just as the hunter finds him in the rifle scope. No shot is fired. The hunter man puts his rifle down, tucks his manhood back into his underwear, zips his 3 zippers, picks up his folding chair & sits down. His hangover has been flushed clean with adrenalin & now he will sit for hours on end perfectly quiet & still, & for the rest of the day he will see nothing......

[weedwalker]

  I think I've been thru that myself a time or two.

[Hawks Feather]

Sounds like you had a rough day.   

Jerry

[coyote101]

That's some funny stuff.  Thanks FOs, I needed that.

Pat

[WhiteHare]

Good read.  Better write-up.  Caught myself laughing out-loud and wife wondering what the L was so funny.  She even snickered a little when she read it.  That's saying something right there.

So,  "That's funny right there.  I don't care who you are."

Richartd

[KySongDog]

    That scene has happened more than once me thinks.   

[vayotehowler]

sound like my whole season fos . i had a buck standing 8ft behind me and cant getto the gun, and this whole season has been a comedy of errors

[FinsnFur]

with his cover now completely blown he might as well stand up & relieve his bladder over the side of his hunting structure.

[securpro]

  Hilarious, I wish I could say it has never happened to me,well actually I can

[HaMeR]

   I hope I never get that old!! 

[vvarmitr]

And people wonder why I hate deer hunting! 

I don't see what you guys see as funny? 

[markTNhunter]

  ive had a few trips like that 

[Dave]

That is a great write-up.  I laughed out loud a few times, also. 

[coyotehunter_1]

Dang that Marlin Perkins

[bambam]

  That brings back a lot of painful memories.