Age is a Wonderful Thing

[Hawks Feather]

ROMANCE:
Betty was lying in bed one night.  Art was falling asleep but Betty was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.  She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, Art threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Betty asked.

"To get my teeth!"

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DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER:
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home she holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

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OLD FRIENDS:
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.  Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.  Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me, I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.  I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.  Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her.  For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

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SENIOR DRIVING:
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.  Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25.  Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car, it's hundreds of them!"

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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad.  The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it.  I could have sworn we just went through a red light.  After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again.  Again, they went right through.  The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.  She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.  So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?  You could have killed us both!”  Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Please friends, tell me this won't happen to us!

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She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.  As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.  The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, “Hey old woman, have you ever dance?”

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance.  I never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now.” and started shooting at the old woman’s feet.

The old woman prospector, not wanting to get her toes blown off, started hopping around.  Everybody was laughing when his last bullet had been fired.  The young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both barrels.  The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too and he turned around very slowly.  The silence was almost deafening.  The crowd watched as the young gunslinger stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes in those twin barrels.  The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands as she quietly said, “Son, have you ever stuck your head up a mule’s ass?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No, mam.  But I have always wanted to.”

There are a few lessons here for all of us:
1.  Never be arrogant.
2.  Don't waste ammunition.
3.  Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4.  Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5.  Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don’t you?

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We'll be friends till we're old & senile.  Then we'll be new friends